>>Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?
I have no fucking clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.
>>What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?
The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.
>>What?
Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.
>>Why is the U.S. military helping them?
Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly shitty at their job.
>>How does the U.S. military help them?
Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.
>>Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?
Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.
>>How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?
Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.
>>So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?
Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?
>>What?
That's what they said.
>>But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.
Yes.
>>...and now it can also bring him back to life.
It's very powerful, this Allspark.
>>Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?
They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.
>>Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?
Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.
>>Well, then why do they give a shit about Sam?
The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.
>>They weren't in the other shard?
Apparently not.
>>Now you're just making shit up as you go along, aren't you?
Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam shortly is captured by other, less slutty Decepticons in one of the many instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can conveniently be in trouble.
Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.
>>That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win?
No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which has another treasure inside!
>>Really? What is that?
No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the Decepticons continue to want Sam. Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three Decepticons at once and dies.
>>Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?
I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that are off-screen are grieving.
>>Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his shard piece to resurrect Optimus?
Yes. He could.
>>...
...
>>Well?
He doesn't.
>>Why not?
I'm not sure exactly.
>>Then what the hell does he do?
He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure out what the Fallen's up to.
>>Which Autobot does the translating?
Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.
>>What. The fuck.
Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job, he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.
>>And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols?
Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.
>>Where the hell are the other Autobots?
I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're probably grieving about Optimnus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the reasonable solution
>>So Turturro translates the symbols.
No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.
>>What good is he dead?!
Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!
>>Not Optimus?
No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.
>>You have to fucking be kidding me.
Moving on! Jetfire teleports everyone to Egypt, including some of the missing Autobots --
>>Wait, what? Teleports?
Yes, teleports.
>>Transformers don't teleport.
Jetfire does.
>>But -- wait a second, he's a fucking jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise!
Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life.
Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said fuck it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the shit out of him although he escaped.
>>Okay...
So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain? It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his Energon.
>>Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie?
Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine.
>>I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that.
I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of Blowing Up the Goddamn Sun."
If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies. Isn't that cool?
>>...
...
>>No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave the Matrix on the planet? They're a space-faring race, they could have hid it anywhere in galaxy! Second of all, what the fuck does making a tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy?
Uh...
>>And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets? These idiot Primes just doomed their whole species for no fucking reason whatsoever! No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.
...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it will bring Optimus back to life.
>>Grr.
What follows is the most spectacular part of the movie, as Sam and Mikaela try to run the several miles back to the military camp during a massive Decepticon attack where the military has dropped Optimus Prime's corpse.
>>Why is that awesome? They could drive back in one of the Autobots and be there in a minute or two.
They don't do that.
>>What?
They walk.
>>Of course they do. And I assume the Autobots just mysteriously disappear again until a second before a Decepticon is about to kill Sam.
Yes. Exactly.
>>I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen, end of story, right?
Pretty close. Sam dies, though.
>>Really?
Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.
>>Fuck you.
I'm serious.
>>Fuck you. There's no way.
It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so he can bring Optimus back to life.
>>I may be ill.
Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes Optimus into a flying badass who defeats the Megatron and Starscream and the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing.
>>Anything else you want to add?
Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10 seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all.
>>Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters?
I can't answer every question, man.
>>If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a fuck. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man."
>>Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
My work is so entertaining
We don't know why he's wearing them or why he speaks in a british accent.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Something is being produced in downtown birmingham
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Sunday, June 14, 2009
super awesome dream time
took a nap today after a long morning of mtb.
My dream started off with Rachelle and I visiting a museum. It was like a large renaissance house with a grand hallway with rooms that branched off of it.
The hallway itself began in a large foyer dressed with rich dark hardwood walls. In the foyer there was simple brown table and it had a candle next to a small cup of water. Random details, I know.
The hallway was tall. Maybe 20 feet. 12 feet up, windows lined the hallway to let natural light in. I don't believe that there was a chandelier. The hallway was painted with white trim and it glowed with the sunlight coming from the top. Rooms were situated on either side as you walked through. Some were small libraries, one looked to be a dining room, and one had a huge staircase in it. All the rooms had white doors so you didn't know what kind of room it was unless you looked inside it. Along the right side of the hallway towards the end there was a double door made of oak. It was ornately carved and had wrought iron hardware.
We started down the hallway and peeking through the rooms and noticing that there were a small # of people dressed in period clothing. There was short/tubby and a tall/lanky pair of men in one room. They looked to be British barristers with their stuffy wigs looking at an exhibit on one of the walls next to the room's entrance. They slowly turned to us with their beady eyes and with a haughty look said, "Oh well look at these youngsters!" They turned to leave out the room entrance where we were standing, so we backed up to let them through..... and they disappeared while walking back towards the foyer.
Yeah gets weirder.
We kept walking and noticed that random people were appearing in period clothing. Hint #1. They kept disappearing. Hint #2. The fact that they were acknowledging our presence was creeping me the hell out.
So we saw a Spaniard in red clothing circa 1400's (not Columbus) walking toward us. We weren't surprised at that point, so we kept walking. One of the next rooms we passed had a sword within it's scabbard lying on a table; as we peeked in, it rose sharply and a voice said "Intruder! Back away!" Oddly, this was in the dining room and it was blocked off from entrance.
Anyways, the sword freaked me out a bit so I backed towards the foyer and I noticed that Rachelle was gone. I went back to the foyer and noticed a room to the left of the hallway that was open now. There were actual employees in period costume ( yes they were real) entertaining the museum visitors by dressing them up. Rachelle was there and they had just finished dressing her up. We smiled at each other and she went back to talking to the employees.
I noticed a museum employee in the foyer tending to the candle and I asked her, "Have you seen anything strange going on here?" She gave a nervous laugh and replied, "I'm not sure what you mean."
I looked at the candle, it had burned down completely and she had doused the remaining wick with her hand after dipping it in the water.
"Are you sure nothing is going on?", I asked.
"Well there have been some strange phenomena... the museum has always been haunted, but the frequency of events has never been this high.
This next part of the dream was a little stranger. It left my perspective to that of a teenager and his gf that were visiting the museum at the same time as us.
As they passed the dining room, the sword swung around again, but it was plainly obvious that the sword had been welded into the scabbard and whatever ghostly figure was trying to threaten visitors was plainly frustrated with it. The teenagers walked on after laughing at the ghost's expense and saw a little boy in the next room in an academy uniform waiting for food that will never arrive and complaining that it was cold. He resembled a little pudgy Irish boy. Don't know why, but I was pretty sure he was Irish.
Anyways, they were passing the locked Oak Doors when a force slammed into it. It was a pretty loud bang and it caused the teenagers to jump. The teens were a little thrown off but inquisitive so they came up close to the doors. *BANG*. Another hit.
Something behind that door was mad.
The boy wanted to open it, but his gf was begging for him to leave and just keep it closed. Guys being guys, he grabbed hold of the wrought iron handles and started pulling.
As soon as the doors had opened a crack, a swift movement swung out and knocked the boy down; an axe followed, killed the girl, and a cloaked being stepped out of the doors. He started attacking humans and spirits alike with various daggers. The teenager groggily opened his eyes and remembered something about two old men telling him about a stone that was hanging from his neck.
It had the power to turn back time for 1 minute once an hour. He immediately used it and was back to the closed Oak Doors.
Instead of opening the doors, he looked down and there was a grating. He looked in and started speaking to the being behind the doors.
No explanation why he was trapped there, just what his mission was. He was an assassin sent to take his revenge for his murdered people. He had seen his wife and daughter raped to death and was determined to find the man and men responsible for it. The teenager tried to talk him out of it saying the perpetrators were long gone and that he should try to be at peace, but the spirit had no intention of it. He threatened the boy with a harsh punishment should he try to stop him.
So the boy decided to help the spirit. He didn't release him, but would find the men responsible and return with their names. As a hint, the spirit gave him an image of the guns used by his enemies.
It was a long tube, about 36 inches, and it didn't have the usual trigger system of a gun. It was inscribed with decorative symbols with a dark brown color.
And that's when I woke up from my nap.
My dream started off with Rachelle and I visiting a museum. It was like a large renaissance house with a grand hallway with rooms that branched off of it.
The hallway itself began in a large foyer dressed with rich dark hardwood walls. In the foyer there was simple brown table and it had a candle next to a small cup of water. Random details, I know.
The hallway was tall. Maybe 20 feet. 12 feet up, windows lined the hallway to let natural light in. I don't believe that there was a chandelier. The hallway was painted with white trim and it glowed with the sunlight coming from the top. Rooms were situated on either side as you walked through. Some were small libraries, one looked to be a dining room, and one had a huge staircase in it. All the rooms had white doors so you didn't know what kind of room it was unless you looked inside it. Along the right side of the hallway towards the end there was a double door made of oak. It was ornately carved and had wrought iron hardware.
We started down the hallway and peeking through the rooms and noticing that there were a small # of people dressed in period clothing. There was short/tubby and a tall/lanky pair of men in one room. They looked to be British barristers with their stuffy wigs looking at an exhibit on one of the walls next to the room's entrance. They slowly turned to us with their beady eyes and with a haughty look said, "Oh well look at these youngsters!" They turned to leave out the room entrance where we were standing, so we backed up to let them through..... and they disappeared while walking back towards the foyer.
Yeah gets weirder.
We kept walking and noticed that random people were appearing in period clothing. Hint #1. They kept disappearing. Hint #2. The fact that they were acknowledging our presence was creeping me the hell out.
So we saw a Spaniard in red clothing circa 1400's (not Columbus) walking toward us. We weren't surprised at that point, so we kept walking. One of the next rooms we passed had a sword within it's scabbard lying on a table; as we peeked in, it rose sharply and a voice said "Intruder! Back away!" Oddly, this was in the dining room and it was blocked off from entrance.
Anyways, the sword freaked me out a bit so I backed towards the foyer and I noticed that Rachelle was gone. I went back to the foyer and noticed a room to the left of the hallway that was open now. There were actual employees in period costume ( yes they were real) entertaining the museum visitors by dressing them up. Rachelle was there and they had just finished dressing her up. We smiled at each other and she went back to talking to the employees.
I noticed a museum employee in the foyer tending to the candle and I asked her, "Have you seen anything strange going on here?" She gave a nervous laugh and replied, "I'm not sure what you mean."
I looked at the candle, it had burned down completely and she had doused the remaining wick with her hand after dipping it in the water.
"Are you sure nothing is going on?", I asked.
"Well there have been some strange phenomena... the museum has always been haunted, but the frequency of events has never been this high.
This next part of the dream was a little stranger. It left my perspective to that of a teenager and his gf that were visiting the museum at the same time as us.
As they passed the dining room, the sword swung around again, but it was plainly obvious that the sword had been welded into the scabbard and whatever ghostly figure was trying to threaten visitors was plainly frustrated with it. The teenagers walked on after laughing at the ghost's expense and saw a little boy in the next room in an academy uniform waiting for food that will never arrive and complaining that it was cold. He resembled a little pudgy Irish boy. Don't know why, but I was pretty sure he was Irish.
Anyways, they were passing the locked Oak Doors when a force slammed into it. It was a pretty loud bang and it caused the teenagers to jump. The teens were a little thrown off but inquisitive so they came up close to the doors. *BANG*. Another hit.
Something behind that door was mad.
The boy wanted to open it, but his gf was begging for him to leave and just keep it closed. Guys being guys, he grabbed hold of the wrought iron handles and started pulling.
As soon as the doors had opened a crack, a swift movement swung out and knocked the boy down; an axe followed, killed the girl, and a cloaked being stepped out of the doors. He started attacking humans and spirits alike with various daggers. The teenager groggily opened his eyes and remembered something about two old men telling him about a stone that was hanging from his neck.
It had the power to turn back time for 1 minute once an hour. He immediately used it and was back to the closed Oak Doors.
Instead of opening the doors, he looked down and there was a grating. He looked in and started speaking to the being behind the doors.
No explanation why he was trapped there, just what his mission was. He was an assassin sent to take his revenge for his murdered people. He had seen his wife and daughter raped to death and was determined to find the man and men responsible for it. The teenager tried to talk him out of it saying the perpetrators were long gone and that he should try to be at peace, but the spirit had no intention of it. He threatened the boy with a harsh punishment should he try to stop him.
So the boy decided to help the spirit. He didn't release him, but would find the men responsible and return with their names. As a hint, the spirit gave him an image of the guns used by his enemies.
It was a long tube, about 36 inches, and it didn't have the usual trigger system of a gun. It was inscribed with decorative symbols with a dark brown color.
And that's when I woke up from my nap.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
jazz hands
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